let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
NoShamevember. You game?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
