No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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