I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
