From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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