I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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