I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
