The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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