i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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