he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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