Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
