I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
