Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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