Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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