I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
