Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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