We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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