Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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