On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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