I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
