Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
