i just had sex bonerless
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
