the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
