I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
