you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
