His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
