Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
