so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So squirting runs in the family.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
