Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
