I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How's work?
Spinning.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize