this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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