party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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