my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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