Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
