Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
