i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You made out with two different species that night
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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