last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
