Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
