my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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