Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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