Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
