i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
