omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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