I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
