Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
