Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
