this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
