You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
