Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
