i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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