I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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