Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize