I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
