At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
