fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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