Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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