Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
