just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
