I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
