He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
