you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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