You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
