just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How external is "for external use only"?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
