I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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