I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
