Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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