No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
