They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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