Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
